Q & A with Dicky Kaufman!

Q: Hi Dicky, I'm wondering if the latest copy of Genii finally lays to rest the question 'who was Erdnase?'. I feel you really nailed it, and I'm looking forward to getting some sleep for the first time in 47 years.

R.S. Licker

A: The name is Richard. Richard Kaufman. Yes. We have, as you put it, 'nailed' who Erdnase was. I think the copy was fairly self explanatory. Next?

Q: Dicky, isn't there still some element of doubt as to the real identity of this maverick author and cardician?

A. N. Other

A: 'Cardician' was a term coined after the death of 'Erdnase'. I despise you. Fool. Next?

Q: Isn't this just sham academia masquerading as a real historical endeavour?

E. Gibbon

A: First, you should realise who you are talking to on this forum [sic]. The evidence was clearly and concisely laid out, in well punctuated and grammatical syntax. Need I say more? Next?

Q: Isn't this just a case of trying to drum up more business for a weak publication, already failing due to falling readership, ever increasing internet access and poor management?

J. Swift

A: J. Swift has been banned for further notice. Next?


You are so wonderful, Richard. Thank you for all your contributions to my hobby!! This Erdnase thing was so fascinating, I really thank you for such a wonderful and educative edition.

F. Elcher

A: F. Elcher has become a moderator. The Q & A is now closed.





 

"The Aristocrats" by Michael Crass

Hi Everyone,

So I went to a BIG TIME agent in Vancouver with my idea for a new magic show. He said, "Sorry kid, I don't do that kind of thing, it isn't really my bag.."

"Please," I said, "At least let me tell you about it?"

"So, it's a 'dark arts' show, and in the opening the whole theatre is pitch black. Next, the audience starts to hear strange, animal grunting noises. Then slowly, a luminescent, magic wand appears, with a white-gloved hand rubbing it vigorously, in a vertical motion.

Next, my dog Lulu enters, and appears to swallow the wand, but only momentarily. As he backs off, panting, the grunts reach a crescendo and a shower of luminous droplets of magic liquid land on the front row, enhanced by UV light. Next, my family enters singing a medley of Joni Mitchell songs, as the wand gradually, and magically, shrinks to almost nothing. I then appear at centre stage to take the applause!"

There was a long silence, then he said,

"That's truly amazing. What do you call it?"

"The Aristocrats" by Michael Crass.

News From Michael Crass!

Hi Everyone!

So, although I submitted 4,783 posts since Monday, it seems Rupert has limited me to just once a week. Sorry everybody, but I'll try to fit as much into this one as I possibly can. I just love magic. Magic and theatre. Magic, theatre and singing. Magic, theatre, singing and mentalism. I just love these things, and I want to further our crafts so much that sometimes it feels like I'm just going to explode with so many great ideas bursting to get out!

Talking of which: I've discovered a new, special kind of magic. I'm sure it's just me, and the rest of you may not understand, but I'll try to explain it to you all. Okay, so just recently I've been having the strangest dreams, and I get this magical, tingling feeling "down below". I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. And now, sometimes, in the daytime, it's starting to happen too. A strange, nice, warm, kind of hard feeling. I'm not sure what it is I'm meant to do yet. But it sure feels like some kind of strong magic.

I'm writing an E-Book about it, which is due for release later today, because I have a strange feeling this is going to get very big, if you know what I mean? When I've got it totally figured out, I'll be posting some YouTube videos of my experiments, and I'd be happy if you can all give me some tips and pointers as to where I could go next with it.

Anyway, I've got three plays, four DVD's and another six E-Books to be finishing before lunch, all of which contain my BEST material. I know this stuff is gonna rock your world, so watch this space!

Michael

Barry Solayme Injured in London Riots

Dear Readers,

It is with deep regret that I inform you that Barrington Solayme is currently being treated for concussion and facial contusions at Whips Cross Hospital, East London. This is following an incident late on Monday night.

Barrington had gone to visit his Grand-Nephew, Norbert Solayme, in Tottenham, London, when rioting broke out in the immediate vicinity. Showing typical courage and resourcefulness, and showing no thought whatsoever towards his own personal safety, Barrington sallied forth, armed only with a pack of playing cards, to quell the angry mob.

What happened thereafter may only be guessed at, but it seems that the time was not right for the furious London youths to be pacified by Barrington's celebrated ACAAN routines. Sadly, we later came across Barrington, lying face down in the gutter, unconscious, stripped of everything but his underpants, and with worrying injuries to his face and skull.

I know that you will all wish him a speedy recovery, and if any dear readers have any information pertaining to the whereabouts of the callous thugs who set about Barrington so mercilessly, do not hesitate to contact me at this blog. I remain,

Yours Faithfully,

Rupert Twistleton-Wyckham-Cholmondley-Fiennes M.A. (Oxon)

'Agent to the Stars and Beyond'

David Berglas vs. Mark Lewis

Hi Folks,

Well it's time to adjudicate on a couple of old-timers. David Berglas: a little known performer, with terrible dress sense and a "face for radio", and the great Mark Lewis: a world renowned entertainer.

Mark is down on record as having been less than impressed with David's "The Berglas Effect", which I'm told is some lame-ass ACAAN routine which relies on 'improvisation'. Mark has admitted to having solved Dai Vernon's (actually MINE) The Trick That Cannot Be Explained, in terms of cutting out any element of chance. He says that he could do the same thing with David's little known effect, if he could be bothered! 

Full marks to Mark, for not being bothered!!! 

Both routines, ACTUALLY, are MY routines. I developed my improvised ACAAN routine in 1927, the year BEFORE David Berglas was born. But I never use it. It's too easy. I prefer to use a solid, predictable method, that I never have to think about.

Mark's record is legendary, to say the least. A modest, unassuming guy, he has always led the field in advanced magic. First a seller of the revolutionary Svengali Deck, then a performer for children. He even once performed for a member of the British Royal Family! At a boys club. When he was a teenager.

Mark then emigrated to Canada. They like him there.

David, meanwhile, continued to do low profile hack work in Europe, America, Asia, The Far East, The Near East, Africa, Australasia and Scandinavia. 

You begin to see my point? 

Whereas Mark might be compared to a wonderful 2nd violinist for the Cardiff Symphony Orchestra, poor David may just as well be some no talent Jazz schmuck like Charlie Parker, or John Coltrane. (No-talent motherfuckers, both of 'em.) 

BS

Screw Those Kids' Magicians

I mean, seriously, fuck 'em all. Those lame-ass douche-bags wouldn't know an ACAAN from a packet trick, those bozos.

They come to us, with their balloon "magic", and their "magic" colouring books. They think they own the frigging place. Goddamit. I don't resent, AT ALL, the number of bookings they receive. I couldn't CARE LESS how much they might make in just one weekend. FUCK 'EM!!! THEY CAN GO AND SUCK THEIR LAME-ASS TT GIMMICK SILK GODDAM SHIT-FOR-WEATHER FUCK-BRAN, CAN GO EAT ITSELF FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND FREAKING DINNER, POSING-POUCH CRAB-MEAT SHIT-BRICKS !!

For all I care.

I don't mind those guys. But......

No passes.

No under-spread controls.

No triple push-overs.

And STILL they win their "made-up" awards. I guess that's just the 'size of my heart'*.

BS

*p.s. And Trudie Styler can kiss my ass.**

** as can Russ Farquhar***

*** as can Shawn Stevens