tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66724704624372119242024-02-18T21:42:57.865-08:00Barry Solayme"The Greatest Magician of ALL TIME" Timed Out
"Barry taught me EVERYTHING I know!" Dai Vernon
"Is Barry ACTUALLY S.W. Erdnase?" Magic CafeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-11440606933095284072014-08-27T19:19:00.003-07:002014-08-27T19:50:50.094-07:00Gospel Train!Hi Folks,<br />
<br />
I see a lot of Gospel Magicians. I see a lot of misguided souls, floundering around in horrible desolation.<br />
<br />
Okay, I'm here to help you folks, just like the Good Lord did for that donkey in Jericho.<br />
<br />
So can you give me an A-MEN?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I CAN'T HEAR YA!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
NO, MAKE IT FUCKING LOUDER, YOU CRETINS......<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Okay. That's better. Amen.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Well then.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Let's get something straight. I have performed for the last one hundred and sixty six Popes consecutively, plus a few others, long before that, and the only trick they actually like is the card on forehead. I don't know what it is, but they just love that trick.<br />
<br />
I've tried all the other Gospel Magic classics, MOST OF WHICH I INVENTED BY THE WAY, like my classic routine, 'Gambler versus Lay-Reader', or my standout effect, 'Out of this Universe of Sin and Redemption and into the Arms of Christ Jesus Our Lord'.<br />
<br />
All of these have fallen flat. Time and time again. I once performed a carefully prepared transubstantiation routine, involving red and white jewels, for Martin Luther, AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO IT IN LATIN, but it still fell flat. That man had no sense of humour, and his shit smelled really terrible. Ventilation wasn't great in those days.<br />
<br />
But just do one stupid schmuck trick, and they'll want to have your Christian babies. Forget the Cups & Balls routine which tries to explain the Holy Trinity. Only closet-gay Pastors like that shit, and that's only because they're in denial.<br />
<br />
I have a Gospel Magic book coming out, it will be a PDF, limited to 25 copies at $5,000 a pop. Paypal the usual address.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiucF9ryxNgIhfpAwOcrTCyXoYV7Ki_bfDWfvcAe2qZ-CEZy6qFuroDOjRuzcgZxGbi5LtPGlMRh_Sy1f8v7RW7LT_WY9GUvkadVU9xv49Kcmy0xRDw998YWpiVak8KswgY2ZZNE7gAULSR/s1600/Papst_Clemens_IV.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiucF9ryxNgIhfpAwOcrTCyXoYV7Ki_bfDWfvcAe2qZ-CEZy6qFuroDOjRuzcgZxGbi5LtPGlMRh_Sy1f8v7RW7LT_WY9GUvkadVU9xv49Kcmy0xRDw998YWpiVak8KswgY2ZZNE7gAULSR/s1600/Papst_Clemens_IV.jpg" height="320" width="234" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
BS<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-76072274982530602082014-01-24T20:01:00.000-08:002014-01-24T20:06:12.273-08:00Sherpa Through Card? IT'S MINE! [Part the first]Hi Folks,<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Way back in 1172, I was living in what is modern day China. I was working as a court magician, and everything was hunky-dory. They couldn't get enough of my act. I did the rice bowls with colored rice. I did the egg bag with a thousand year old bird's egg. My final loads were steaming dim sum, that when cut open, revealed a thousand honey ants, which crawled into the hot oil at my command. These were then consumed by the cognoscenti of the imperial court, and my fame grew both steadily and lucratively for nearly forty years.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
By that time, I had recently married my 173rd wife, whose name translated as "<i>Radiant Peach Blossom With Hands Like Dextrous Spiders</i>". Imagine my shock and disgust, when Mr Temujin, (you folks probably know him as Genghis Khan), came riding into town. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRSwdE7CRV3G1ijG8WoEudvLPWAjSIBxLWQcjSs1qUfTXvrtLOp51Jhb6PcVZ1qCBAPT9AJJwMcuioEc72FlxhyphenhyphenrDRiZ89dgDfRKrhBi5tpA3AmD-0fWyooLwUxIeJx2qTwus3lQuU4Hrv/s1600/Genghis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRSwdE7CRV3G1ijG8WoEudvLPWAjSIBxLWQcjSs1qUfTXvrtLOp51Jhb6PcVZ1qCBAPT9AJJwMcuioEc72FlxhyphenhyphenrDRiZ89dgDfRKrhBi5tpA3AmD-0fWyooLwUxIeJx2qTwus3lQuU4Hrv/s1600/Genghis.jpg" height="304" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Well, the first thing he did was to cast around for a concubine. Of course, he asked in all the best places, and in 'The Joyful House of Recalcitrant Nuns', he very nearly made his choice. But just as he had lashed "<i>Gorgeous Moon With The Two Perfect Pancakes" </i>to his horse, a sudden shout came from the perimeter fence. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The future map of Western Europe and America hinged on what happened next, by the way.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqpK7t9Law5nKZK9Nc5L-jJZYYumohBfj0O-cr4mjDACJ2FFUIcRNqZ8DhbHU2LEMeWB9vZCuRWuZJifcP3RZQ_R2YU_e6GD1pcsM231J0W0HQcJ2G_U2x3xNzLSlpZuwHJFfnmq4XWjN0/s1600/Psalter_World_Map,_c.1265.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqpK7t9Law5nKZK9Nc5L-jJZYYumohBfj0O-cr4mjDACJ2FFUIcRNqZ8DhbHU2LEMeWB9vZCuRWuZJifcP3RZQ_R2YU_e6GD1pcsM231J0W0HQcJ2G_U2x3xNzLSlpZuwHJFfnmq4XWjN0/s1600/Psalter_World_Map,_c.1265.jpg" height="400" width="275" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Behold! A strange and muffled figure appeared at the picket line, begging for an audience with the Grand Khan. Nobody knew his name. Nobody saw his face. Nobody, except Mr Temujin, ever heard his voice. Nor did they hear the tinkle of gold ingots, as they were lavishly showered upon the sandy tent floor.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And as nobody identified this individual, I think it is safe to say that he was in no way shape or form Barry Solayme, nor <i>Hang Pan Chien</i>, as I was then known. To suggest such a thing would be both wrong and cruel. I am an old man, now, and I will not brook such insolence.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
No, as my wife, "<i>Radiant Peach Blossom With Hands Like Dextrous Spiders</i>", was led away that evening, to join the great harem of Genghis Khan, I wept bitter tears.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Those tears increased considerably as his most majestic Khan, Mr Temujin, forcibly wedded me to his half-cousin, whose name translated as "<i>Wall Eyed Calf Who Enjoys Mime Acts</i>". They were tears of gratefulness, you understand. For as we were sent into exile, to the frozen plateau of Tibet, I learned her second name: "<i>Minx Who Sucks Marrow From The Stubbornest Bone</i>". </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
She was my second favorite wife.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWj21y4TxQGG8c_IdDj56y9jwHsJLRoOT05BQndmT5Q2zAQLiQgHCtJTol64v5y1zuxpdBP8oyDqPH984dKvubBHUIp8z7JS8ThXgUUgaOZGO8Lvau8c9tGb1X6tnCnP4ShJDIV8RVz9qN/s1600/Wall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWj21y4TxQGG8c_IdDj56y9jwHsJLRoOT05BQndmT5Q2zAQLiQgHCtJTol64v5y1zuxpdBP8oyDqPH984dKvubBHUIp8z7JS8ThXgUUgaOZGO8Lvau8c9tGb1X6tnCnP4ShJDIV8RVz9qN/s1600/Wall.jpg" height="207" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
(The wall eye only showed when she took the glass one out. God, that was a gift in so many ways.)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
****************************</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-35157262469283942692014-01-24T12:09:00.001-08:002014-01-24T19:24:01.491-08:00Jizz-Monkeys at the CafeAfter reading these cretins work themselves up into a feeding frenzy over Peter Nardi, yes, <i>Peter Nardi for fuck's sake</i>,<br />
<br />
http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/viewtopic.php?topic=539697&forum=218&136&start=120<br />
<br />
I have the following news bulletin:<br />
<br />
IT"S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS YOU STUPID CUNTS.<br />
<br />
Despite the fact that Alakazam refuse to stock the <a href="http://barry-solayme.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/barry-solayme-kaleb-forrester-present.html" target="_blank">CUNTOMATIC</a>, <a href="http://barry-solayme.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/wankr.html" target="_blank">WANKR</a>, or ANY OF MY BOOKS, they are one of the few decent companies out there.<br />
<br />
Peter Nardi may have stolen all his ideas from yours truly, but if you ask him for a refund he'll fucking give you one. He might not choose to do it through the medium of the Magic fucking Cafe, however. I'd leave that to some unprofessional shit-wit like.... well, take your pick.<br />
<br />
Thank you, MagicKatie, fierce consumer watchdog for the unwashed. Thank you, JackMagic, valiant righter of non-existent wrongs and defender of hypothetical victims. Why don't you two just go after a business with poor ethics and and a track record of bad service?<br />
<br />
Now, let me think....... Oops, that's right, if you attack WMS you get banned!<br />
<br />
BS<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-62340628589742574982014-01-18T19:02:00.002-08:002014-01-24T19:17:40.768-08:00Card in a fucking box already.Hi folks,<br />
<br />
Well, last year, we had this:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/ovVd2hWwFaM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
And this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/1ebncZtTno4?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
But, AND IT'S A BIG FUCKING BUT, many years ago, we had this:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/VfWI9_RVCWs/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/VfWI9_RVCWs&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/VfWI9_RVCWs&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
And then this guy came along:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyzN2nZYlj-nFAONrxEGjw3Fgx0-K6TJXt6svedqTay7H48AmT-i1w7FwJ85RxV1ZjjCPls1FFMWhxV_KFsJ2Na_b1yDk_nvBguh_F7T-8hU1EUqZDzCGvn_BomWBkiQFgjOmgPGQL9r8k/s1600/John+Kennedy.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyzN2nZYlj-nFAONrxEGjw3Fgx0-K6TJXt6svedqTay7H48AmT-i1w7FwJ85RxV1ZjjCPls1FFMWhxV_KFsJ2Na_b1yDk_nvBguh_F7T-8hU1EUqZDzCGvn_BomWBkiQFgjOmgPGQL9r8k/s1600/John+Kennedy.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And then this guy showed up:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0x8K4C1ANh3F14B_Fx9YoNUH1e7fLmyxyaKXiMTwfcQZsVQYtqQ3wk6UPuZbMJ02_9he91-aNWORXbrJas70jthepL7e6oYKMoc2MbPMOOWxUaJO-bW2oSgPFbRr7GymFb1q8-ikROtVF/s1600/Bob+Kohler.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0x8K4C1ANh3F14B_Fx9YoNUH1e7fLmyxyaKXiMTwfcQZsVQYtqQ3wk6UPuZbMJ02_9he91-aNWORXbrJas70jthepL7e6oYKMoc2MbPMOOWxUaJO-bW2oSgPFbRr7GymFb1q8-ikROtVF/s1600/Bob+Kohler.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And they then blazed a trail to the situation we find ourselves in today: COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKED UP OUR OWN FUCKING ASSES.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Why improve on genius? Oh, yeah, it's because people like this ....</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/7BJZAdwvmQE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
... don't know what the fucking hell they are doing. Never mind the "routine". What a switch! My grandmother could switch her left tit for a cabbage better than that. Just watch that guilty fucking switch. If he gets that box into his chest any further it would result in a male mastectomy, which in his case would probably count as corrective surgery. And then watch the rest. And then take a fucking shotgun, and blow your own brains out.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"Good work," says the underwhelmed shopper, when witnessing this half-baked, poorly performed shit. The next effort is treated with the silent contempt it deserves. By a child. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Whereas, "Oh Jesus Christ, it's a fucking miracle," thinks the audience, when watching Tommy Wonder, "I have just cum."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
If you are thinking about making a box, or if you know someone like Matthew Wright ,who has just done this:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a class="clip_url" href="http://vimeo.com/83464157" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-user-select: text; background-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8); box-sizing: border-box; color: #8c8c8c; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 28.799999237060547px; margin: 0px 0.25em; text-decoration: none;" tabindex="1" target="_blank">http://vimeo.com/83464157</a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Then, please, <u>just fuck off</u>. And go read a book. Or have a wank. Or anything else you fancy. Just no more fucking card to boxes. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
BS</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
[And yes, I know the card in box predates Tommy Wonder. I fucking invented it in 1672. I showed it to a certain monarch, in fact, but that's a different story.]</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
********************************</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
P.S. Thanks to Craigie, I can show you a beautiful piece of comedy magic!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Who would have thought that David Penn would have taken so much effort to play this wonderful joke on the magic community? Well done, David, you spared no expense. Thanks buddy!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/s8R1EXcvsjE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-49673408696351192092014-01-10T16:45:00.001-08:002014-01-12T16:49:56.220-08:00ECKWIVOAK!Yes Folks,<br />
<br />
<br />
I always thought that the word "equivoque" was pronounced accordingly. Kinda like "eckwivockay". Only more Frenchified.<br />
<br />
<br />
No. I was wrong.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Thanks to the handsome Craig Petty:<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqOKS1pJa6cREai7BKEI29B2EGN3sJAlk51RHVioUIig70FhpFKqvuWiKAIlj09KYzNg0hPNmIFArWSIvmj6rAy_c_djnfruh1Jc4gibrbY9ZduXYHFFOBwivgvKIuxy3LoC-c62Ga2mHs/s1600/Craig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqOKS1pJa6cREai7BKEI29B2EGN3sJAlk51RHVioUIig70FhpFKqvuWiKAIlj09KYzNg0hPNmIFArWSIvmj6rAy_c_djnfruh1Jc4gibrbY9ZduXYHFFOBwivgvKIuxy3LoC-c62Ga2mHs/s1600/Craig.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I now know that it is pronounced as........</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
ECKWIVOAK!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Now lick your frigging fingers. Tools.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
BS</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-13492049098534217212013-12-10T21:16:00.001-08:002013-12-11T03:36:01.085-08:00WANKR.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Hi Folks,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Forget those other, noisy, cumbersome, smoke productions. Let me introduce you to Solayme Enterprises' latest creation....</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/9COM38PuBso?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Yes, this little baby will just fit right up your sleeve, with no need for a harness or power supply, and what's more... IT'S COMPLETELY, FRIGGING SILENT!!!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's called 'WANKR', and this will make you the coolest magician in the entire world. Be the envy of all your friends and peers. Not since the <span style="color: red;"><a href="http://barry-solayme.blogspot.co.uk/search?q=cuntomatic" target="_blank">C.U.N.T.O.M.A.T.I.C.</a> </span>has there been such a buzz in the magic world. Pre-order today, folks, while it's still hot....</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Now, would I ever lie to you?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
BS</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-17949005550632721542013-11-19T17:29:00.000-08:002013-11-19T19:30:11.053-08:00Simon Lovell is genuinely unwell.That naughty scamp has<span style="color: blue;"> <b><a href="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/viewtopic.php?topic=533153&forum=2&9" target="_blank">come a cropper</a>.</b></span> I don't <i>really</i> wish anyone harm, so I hope he recovers soon.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx35XdvYZ8RJLYrnMrefvdXgAxkGaH030rSxgrOe-ZxAaaG9MFNwFFDjV09SHDdwHKE9gMIOkprdJkNtnvqr7r0olYlZSt4WvkPrM4Niuk55Yqs9NCwqhPV52rPWW82dHe1QCt7NM3Z12d/s1600/Simon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx35XdvYZ8RJLYrnMrefvdXgAxkGaH030rSxgrOe-ZxAaaG9MFNwFFDjV09SHDdwHKE9gMIOkprdJkNtnvqr7r0olYlZSt4WvkPrM4Niuk55Yqs9NCwqhPV52rPWW82dHe1QCt7NM3Z12d/s320/Simon.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
Oh, and if anyone ever wants to recreate the famous egg trick, it is described thusly, as performed by Keith Waterhouse:<br />
<br />
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">It involved borrowing from the management a biscuit tin lid, a pint pot of water, the sleeve from a box of matches and a raw egg. When he had the full attention of the right gathering of like-minded drinkers, the tin lid would be placed on top of the glass of water, the matchbox sleeve on top of the lid and the egg in the open end of the matchbox. The trick was to strike the edge of the tin lid with a shoe. The lid would then fly away, having caught the matchbox on its edge, the matchbox would topple over and deposit the intact egg in the pint of water – sometimes. Other times, the premises would be coated with raw egg."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/KI42lY9W9HE?rel=0" width="640"></iframe><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
BSUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-80871695036650681572013-11-07T18:59:00.003-08:002013-11-08T13:16:09.604-08:00Simon Lovell is unwell.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJEIdyUnHO58LpBRuE7d9lfu1v0hrGoWT5Le8Fo83HZZJoY2pmBKER87txxeNB2I9a87S_trNshY1RgqaLpA1SX8gvfVb4J41M6Lc2cRuJzN_Qif6D_ZYD368aiFY_PSWmoZzkrzzyumSr/s1600/SimonLovell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJEIdyUnHO58LpBRuE7d9lfu1v0hrGoWT5Le8Fo83HZZJoY2pmBKER87txxeNB2I9a87S_trNshY1RgqaLpA1SX8gvfVb4J41M6Lc2cRuJzN_Qif6D_ZYD368aiFY_PSWmoZzkrzzyumSr/s320/SimonLovell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
When I was young and foolish, before I became old and foolish, I used to read a magazine called The Spectator. Actually, I still read it. But in those days, the days of yore, the first thing I would do is to turn to the back, to find a column called "Low Life", which was penned by a man called Jeffrey Bernard.<br />
<br />
By the end of his life, Jeffrey Bernard was primarily famous for his drinking. He was a journalist, initially of horse racing and pugilism, whose colourful associates, many of them famous or notorious, helped bolster his career as a sports hack.<br />
<br />
He had something else on his side, however; in fact, he had two things. The first was the ability to do something exceptionally well, which in his case was to write very good, tight prose. His other attribute was his personality. This worked in all sorts of ways, and might result in someone either lending him a fiver, or punching his lights out.<br />
<br />
In his twilight years, Bernard wrote his column in The Spectator, as he lost limbs to alcoholism, always with a caustic commentary on his own physical deterioration, which was in fact a result of his own psychological failures. When he'd been out [bin out!] on a monumental bender, he would fail to file his copy in time, and under the banner of 'Low Life' would be the simple italicised message: <i>Jeffrey Bernard is unwell</i>.<br />
<br />
Shortly before his death, these Spectator columns, chronicling as they did his painful demise, were turned into a theatrical production, by Keith Waterhouse, entitled 'Jeffrey Bernard Is Unwell'. It was a one man show, starring another famous drunk, Peter O'Toole, who had known Bernard. It was a great success; the highlight of the show was a trick with an egg. I never met Jeffrey Bernard, but by all accounts, he had great success with this trick, and in the theatrical show it brought the house down every night.<br />
<br />
The scenario was simple: a total piss-head, exuding failure from every pore, achieves the impossible against all expectation.<br />
<br />
Now, Lovell wasn't drunk when he did this lecture, or at least not properly. We've seen him drunk on film, and drinking more, and it's a different animal. But we were watching him play the drunk: the drunk who gets one over on you; the drunk who makes you feel uncomfortable; the manipulative drunk. But above all, if you know drunks, you'll know how with every drink their empathy grows less. Now, that's fine if everyone is keeping pace, at a cocktail party for instance. Or if you are young and naughty, you might do your lines or drop your pills at the same time. Of course, I wouldn't know about that.<br />
<br />
But to play the drunk to an indifferent, sober room, or to a theatre, you need to have a reason, and a good story worth the telling. I'm sure Lovell does a good job in his off-Broadway show, it's been running for quite a while; "Money talks and bullshit walks!" is an epigram worthy of Wilde, if not Pope.<br />
<i><br /></i>
But is he a magician? I had considered framing this review in those terms. In fact, I had toyed with the idea of going through <i>Our Magic</i>, and pointing out how Lovell fails in almost every one of the criteria set out in that text. It would have made him look stupid, and it would have been cruel, and it would have been a lot of work. But the reason I didn't do it, despite me being a nasty, cruel, hard working cunt, was that<i> I</i> would look stupid in reviewing him that way.<br />
<br />
His performances, on that tape, were woeful. The pace was bad, the sleights were bad, I hated it. I hated the patter, the interaction, the handling. I just hated it. Sorry, Simon Lovell. At one stage he invoked Tommy Wonder to make a point. Yes. Tommy Wonder. Watching Lovell is more reason than any to run back to films of Tommy Wonder, should you need the excuse.<br />
<br />
Clearly, Lovell has <i>something.</i> He has personality, and cheekiness. He has some gags. He has some tricks, but they <i>are </i>just silly tricks, and are presented as such. He has absolutely no magic. None. This was not a lecture on magic, it was a lecture on being Simon Lovell. <br />
<br />
Barry Solayme claimed he was going to review Lovell's Penguin extravaganza, but of course he became abusive and drunk after only 45 minutes, and so I, his "assistant" have written the review.<br />
<br />
I must confess that I, too, couldn't make it all the way through. I tried, my God, I tried. I tried three times. I get the impression that I would have no problem sitting through Lovell's NYC show, without the lecture crap. I know I wouldn't like the magic, but I might laugh at some of the jokes. In fact, honestly, I would definitely laugh at some of the jokes.<br />
<br />
Now I'll tell you a story about Jeffrey Bernard. When he was still relatively young, he decided to quit drinking. He left Soho, and moved to the countryside, to a quiet hamlet, with no pub or public transport. His plan was to dry out, and to avoid temptation. He had no driving license, having been banned, and so was in a state of monkish grace.<br />
<br />
After a few days, he discovered that the only way to the nearest pub involved hitching a lift with the postman, should he happen to deliver a letter. So Bernard wrote himself a letter everyday, until his lease ran out, whereupon he moved back to London.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwI3d2uxq6ixf7CO5nkieCltAx2DlVxWLubbCM_beP_P2qD1uBqNRW7O0H4WBbRd1nsieI0Je0YjzqFk_dswXlgYCwrf_TK0x3Dp98tUw-H3Rszcubxh1W94TvMNlmZpd0TVP22HLj4eEZ/s1600/Jeff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwI3d2uxq6ixf7CO5nkieCltAx2DlVxWLubbCM_beP_P2qD1uBqNRW7O0H4WBbRd1nsieI0Je0YjzqFk_dswXlgYCwrf_TK0x3Dp98tUw-H3Rszcubxh1W94TvMNlmZpd0TVP22HLj4eEZ/s1600/Jeff.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<i>Barry Solayme is unwell.</i><br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-16724439893748875342013-10-10T15:12:00.000-07:002013-10-10T15:13:29.291-07:00For Posterity.This was posted on that goddam green website the other day, and has since been deleted. I do not know the author, but I think it was a well judged attack on my arch rival and erstwhile impersonator, Harry Lorayne.<br />
<br />
Enjoy:<br />
<br />
<i style="background-color: white;">"Below is a preview I found of the contents of the much-awaited book, "Sensational Close Up Magic". </i><br />
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">----- </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Moist Rock</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">An ace assembly routine, with a smart-alec presentation, in which the cards become sweaty and bent through over-handling. The effect closes with the entire sticky deck being spread face up to prove to the wise-guys not only that there are no duplicates, but that they should have gone to the movies instead. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Load Of Wit</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">Not a trick, but a method of producing a selected card from your inside jacket pocket. This is done by palming it off the top of the deck, then immediately ducking your hand under the table-top and moving it up inside the jacket, before pulling your hand out and proudly displaying the card's crumpled form - all the while hoping there are at least one or two people in the room who don't consider you to be a total arse. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>The Wings Of A Fly</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">A "card flight" concept in which a selected card travels from the deck to your inside jacket pocket. As a kicker, it is found that half the audience has buzzed off to the bar. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Mr. Knowledgable</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">A prediction effect in which a card is placed aside face down. The spectator removes and counts a small number of cards, then sits on them, before remembering the card in the deck that lies at that number. Several jog shuffles, triple cuts and double lifts later, it is found that the prediction card has become the selected card and the sat-upon cards have become warm and damp. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Breathlessly Awaiting</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">A butt-numbingly tedious procedure using a down-under deal for finding an indicator card that leads to another card whose name is then spelled to locate the selected card in the deck, followed by an utterly pointless and meaningless revelation of the four aces. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Go To The Source</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">This trick is worth what the price of the entire volume should be. A card is forced behind your back, then returned to the deck, which you proceed to mix face-up and face-down. Following some protracted and confusing by-play which leaves everyone absolutely bewildered, you shout out the name of the selected card before taking a minute to triumphantly re-arrange the deck by hand. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Oh So Obvious!</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">A quickie in which the spectator cuts the cards into four piles and the performer makes out that the top card of each is an ace. A trick that has been performed worldwide by hundreds of millions since it was popularised in 1962, fooling many of the world's finest retards along the way. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Up Yours, You Idiot</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">By means of a b-a-s-t-a-r-d-ised bottom card slip cut, a selected card vanishes from between the two single-titted queens, and appears face up in the deck via a totally unjustified Braue reversal, sandwiched between the two big-willied kings. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>You're Wrong!</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">A sucker trick involving four consecutive reverse faros, three smug looks, two undercuts and one enormous anti-climax. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Ripped Off</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">Something just a little different. From a borrowed deck, a selected card is torn in two, after which it is found that only 51 usable cards remain. As a kicker, the performer bills the client an unsuitably large and grossly offensive fee, plus first-class travel expenses. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Just My Opinion</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">A do-as-I-say-but-not-as-I-do effect in two phases. Phase 1: you create the illusion that you know everything there is to know about card magic. Phase 2: you show some videos of yourself that prove how large an illusion it actually was. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;"><b>Out Of His Mind</b> </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">Renowned world-wide as an improvement on the best card trick ever invented, this routine consists of a spectator shuffling the cards for 26 minutes then dealing them into two piles of 26 cards. Incredibly, it is then revealed that the number of black cards in the first pile is equal to the number of red cards in the second pile. As a kicker, the remaining cards in the first pile are shown to be all red and the remaining cards in the second pile to be all back. This is as close as you can get to a miracle with cards without at any time needing to think about what you're actually doing or what purpose it could possibly serve. </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="p1">
<i style="background-color: white;">----- </i></div>
<div class="p2">
<i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></div>
<i style="background-color: white;">Look out for volume II in the series: "Tricks With A Twist"."</i><br />
<br />
BSUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-8963133705488067882013-10-08T19:45:00.001-07:002013-10-08T19:45:42.244-07:00How I trained the fucking SAS.Folks,<br />
<br />
Don't turn around, I mean don't move a muscle, because what I'm about to tell you is top secret. TOP SECRET.<br />
<br />
(I trained the Special Air Service.)<br />
<br />
<br />
Yeah. They got trained by ME.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
They learned MY memory techniques.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
They learned MY card tricks.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And, most importantly, I have personally met and remembered the names of sixty seven million people.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
BSUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-65367332953800193762013-04-14T13:10:00.001-07:002013-04-14T13:28:25.615-07:00CheerioFolks,<br />
<br />
Thinking of Kevin: fuck this noise.<br />
<br />
Fuck all those malevolent, self-promoting, back-biting arrogant turds.<br />
<br />
Cheers to the humble and unwieldy. Cheers to Roland for letting me loose, cheers to the readers. Both of 'em.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, the Internet makes me cry.<br />
<br />
And that's not,<br />
<br />
BS<br />
<br />
PS Don't worry, Mr Donkey, it's the last ever post.<br />
<br />
PPS<br />
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="1" style="width: 100%px;"><tbody>
<tr align="left" bgcolor="218429"><td align="left" valign="top" width="100%"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><b><img border="0" src="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/images/posticon.gif" /> Posted: Apr 6, 2013 12:47pm </b> <a href="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/reply.php?topic=505419&forum=3&post=7919505&quote=1" style="text-decoration: none;"><img alt="Reply with quote" border="0" src="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/images/quote.gif" /></a> <a href="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/pm_new.php?to_id=50050#menu" style="text-decoration: none;"><img alt="Send a Private Message" border="0" src="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/images/pm.gif" /></a> <a href="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/bb_profile.php?mode=view&user=50050" style="text-decoration: none;"><img alt="View Profile of Octopus Sun" border="0" src="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/images/profile.gif" /></a> <a href="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/report_post.php?post_reported=7919505&topic=505419&forum=3&start=30" style="text-decoration: none;"><img alt="Report this post to forum moderator" border="0" src="http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/images/report.gif" /></a> </span><hr />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Kevin, Max gave you the chance of a lifetime. stop whining.<br />It's up to you to get your sh*t together and<br />do this yourself, not with Max's help. He did his job, He opened the<br />door for you, now you must step through, and grow up.<br />No one here is going to do this for you.<br />Stop your whining and get yourself cleaned up and<br />your butt in gear. Not many people get a chance like you<br />have been given by Max. You are not even a member, you are a guest!<br />No one is going to hold your hand and walk you through this,<br />you have made some serious claims as to your abilities, now go<br />prove what you claim. Stop bragging, you talk the talk, but your vids<br />show otherwise. seriously, Sit down and write your lecture, practice your routines,<br />speaking LOUDLY, why? your voice in all your vids is weak and soft, with no projection or confidence.<br />If I went to a lecture where a speaker talked like you I would walk in a heartbeat. There is<br />no enthusiasm in your voice...ever...even your post are full of<br />negatives constantly crying and whining. You seriously need to grow up if you want to be recognized<br />as a Real Magi, and not some show off throwing names around like Ponta's. No on cares<br />about all your name dropping. It will get you no where in this life.<br />If you want people to take you serious, then you must ACT the part.<br /><br />10,000 hours does not make you this so called Master.<br />good luck.</span></td></tr>
<tr align="left" bgcolor="186321"></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><div>
What a fucking prick.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-66554854138331594662013-03-13T18:41:00.002-07:002013-03-13T18:41:49.520-07:00Brenda Bogbrush presents: THE ULTIMATE BUSH TEST!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjExR5UTbTjS7eTazRZ_kQpt8eeurw0c0UmQuoXbmKiuUPla-859Q0NwgvjD-0T8YCwNE6T_OObGqhwGBhgIS2Ww8ECDLBnAvaEi_WU1xVhBwVHbta6Ahcz2J1Eud6vviiU0ePunPOPeXhd/s1600/Brenda+Bogbrush.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjExR5UTbTjS7eTazRZ_kQpt8eeurw0c0UmQuoXbmKiuUPla-859Q0NwgvjD-0T8YCwNE6T_OObGqhwGBhgIS2Ww8ECDLBnAvaEi_WU1xVhBwVHbta6Ahcz2J1Eud6vviiU0ePunPOPeXhd/s320/Brenda+Bogbrush.jpg" width="242" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Get it while it's hot, folks!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It's the all new 'Bush Test', by "Scum School" impressaria, Brenda Bogbrush!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Brenda has been tirelessly working on her 'Bush Test' for almost two weeks now, and is excited to bring it to market via <i>Barry Solayme Enterprises</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The spectator is presented with three, famous bushes. They may choose between Joan Rivers, Sarah Palin or Marilyn Manson! You, the mentalist, can tell not only whose bush the spectator has chosen, but which particular pubic hair is being examined, and how grizzled it is. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There's nothing about these bushes you won't know, so order now!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Only $298.97 per bush.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
BS</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
[All bushes supplied for "The Ultimate Bush Test" are replica bushes only.] </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-65360410505965979462013-03-02T15:15:00.002-08:002013-03-03T12:03:20.549-08:00Who Runs "Real Secrets"? What are you? A moron?God you people are dumb.<br />
<br />
"<i>We don't know who is behind Real Secrets</i>!"<br />
<br />
"<i>The problem is we don't know who's in charge!</i>"<br />
<br />
"<i>It's some of the top names in magic, and this is their worker material!</i>"<br />
<br />
Oh yeah? And my name's Shelley Winters. Boo-hoo-fuckin'-hoo.<br />
<br />
Well you're all half-right about one thing: it's not just <i>some</i> of the "top names", it's <b>THE</b> FRIGGING TOP NAME, AND THAT NAME IS BARRY SOLAYME.<br />
<br />
And now I got Ritchie Kaufman wanting me to pay for lawyers; Mike Weber says that unless I give him another marketing opportunity, he's gonna frigging walk, that mincing asshole. Half the goddam Internet has gone up in flames, and nobody is giving ME, the GENIUS who started the whole thing, any credit whatsoever! You dick shits.<br />
<br />
I paid that weasel, Tom Stone, to back Real Secrets on 'Magic Bunny', and he goes and tells the fucking truth? That CUNT! Fortunately for me, they seem to be too stupid to realize it and ended by insulting him. My lucky day. That goddam Dane is regretting the day he stole my "Benson Flamer" routine. Oh yeah, don't you worry about Tom Stone, he'll get what's coming to him alright.<br />
<br />
And Michael Jay? That man should be locked up, along with Ian Kendall, even though he's a subscriber. Those guys get right up my ass.<br />
<br />
But here's the point, people, and here's why I'm going public.<br />
<br />
WHAT"S WITH ALL THE STUFF ABOUT "FIGHT CLUB"?<br />
<br />
I know what you people are doing and you think you're real clever, don't you? Yeah, sure, taking shots at me and my Miniature Dachshund, 'Sandy'. I know your game and I think it's pathetic. You want to use film references to insult me and my Miniature Dachshund? Go right ahead, because you are JUST SICK!!!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.vivapets.com/img/race/big_230.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.vivapets.com/img/race/big_230.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Sure, take all the cheap shots you want, talk about the "rules of fight club", talk about "we do not talk about fight club". Go ahead, take your best shot. I know your game. But here's where you screwed up, buddy boys, BECAUSE SANDY, MY MINIATURE DACHSHUND, CAN'T <u>UNDERSTAND</u> YOUR PATHETIC TAUNTS. SO SCREW YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES, BECAUSE I DON'T NEED <u>ANY</u> REAL SECRETS MEMBERS ANYWAY. I'M RICH ENOUGH ALREADY!<br />
<br />
And you, Ritchie Kaufman, I finally get to tell you that your Pass sucks. It's always sucked, and <b>you suck with it</b>. I liked you better when you still wet your pants and hadn't read about Napoleon before crying yourself to sleep.<br />
<br />
As for you, Weber, your commitment has been lacking. Sorely lacking. I know where the bodies are buried, Mikey. I know your sources. You need to come see me, and make sure you bring your fucking wallet. The one with money in it, this time.<br />
<br />
You assholes have fucked this whole idea up, because you're a bunch of no-good, lazy, masturbatory circle-jerkers. I gave you the Holy Grail of usury, and you turned it to shit in 12 months.<br />
<br />
WAY TO GO, "TEAM"!<br />
<br />
You are all dismissed.<br />
<br />
Kiss my ring on the way out. Chicken shit motherfuckers.<br />
<br />
BS<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-75210523539245365542013-01-07T19:10:00.002-08:002013-01-07T19:10:44.655-08:00NEWSFLASH!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjnVwxvFZueKfOo5xXxcqKLhbI3tumE9axI4Ec74Nc3F3MEI-GLqv7rdUFUqbkvH58NNM3NwjjGOfhfCvkppRRoDf4hPZXp855S4LhAB680CiZCRyNiHKbPaPqTOVT-TAMXKnTBsFt_Ywe/s1600/newspaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjnVwxvFZueKfOo5xXxcqKLhbI3tumE9axI4Ec74Nc3F3MEI-GLqv7rdUFUqbkvH58NNM3NwjjGOfhfCvkppRRoDf4hPZXp855S4LhAB680CiZCRyNiHKbPaPqTOVT-TAMXKnTBsFt_Ywe/s640/newspaper.jpg" width="514" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-47835586282771946292012-10-19T16:40:00.000-07:002012-10-19T16:49:15.370-07:008........Well, Folks,<br />
<br />
I tried to broadcast one of my masterpieces on YouTube, and they pulled it over pornography complaints. Would ya believe it? You'd have thought circumcision wasn't commonplace on the subway. Jeez Belize.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I said I'd tell you about Walton. Here goes...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1QvNoTGhwAmDxWDeVYKRBHLwh_a1lVPmVGkMMpRXTguXSOSihEPweT0SKgkgO8hR-h661z8rLnD5towJqmVy8vE-Xk8dllT642ZtLRDNdIF36bI8OF0xuUFnRuWygbipi_CBkcxO8Fn5/s1600/Roy+Walton.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1QvNoTGhwAmDxWDeVYKRBHLwh_a1lVPmVGkMMpRXTguXSOSihEPweT0SKgkgO8hR-h661z8rLnD5towJqmVy8vE-Xk8dllT642ZtLRDNdIF36bI8OF0xuUFnRuWygbipi_CBkcxO8Fn5/s400/Roy+Walton.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I know, he has the eyes of a killer. And he is one, folks. Right to the bone.<br />
<br />
The night we met was bitterly cold, and Checkpoint Charlie was lit up like a torch. Roy and I passed each other, scurrying from one shell hole to another. Discretion was our watchword, folks. Everything back then, during the Cold War, was hush hush. Even your mother didn't know, and she knows everything. We were literally teetering on the brink of death, when Roy dislodged a tiny pebble.<br />
<br />
The noise seemed to fill the whole of Berlin. It rang in my ears like the tolling of the bells of Notre Dame. 'Roy,' I whispered in my head, 'Roy, my dear friend, we are in peril.'<br />
<br />
I waited for what seemed like hours.<br />
<br />
Nothing stirred.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
All was still.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"YOU GODDAM FUCKING SNOT-NOSED CUNT!!!" I whispered, quietly, "YOU HAD TO KICK THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU TWICE PROVED ASSHOLE!!!" I reasoned, almost silently, "YOU'VE SURE AS SHIT BROUGHT THE WHOLE FRIGGING HOUSE DOWN ON US NOW, YOU PRICK!!!" I reassured him, at no very great volume.<br />
<br />
Then all of sudden, due entirely to Roy dislodging that pebble, the Stasi opened fire with their sub-machine guns. Roy was wounded in 7 places, which was entirely his own fault. I, on the other hand, was grievously deprived of my favorite rangers hat, which Roy has still, to this day, not replaced.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm8OzL_LkszAWV36KEC1C-uQPgQ8l_02TCkjg90XUcRNN7dLkz-oQKGPqbJrgaBBBOLq8if6N3iJFPR2quRVYbrFX5LOcZnTRa45a-TcL-3Meb-wOXrspLlhED9dmaJY7acr4akOq2MCUv/s1600/Barry's+Hat.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm8OzL_LkszAWV36KEC1C-uQPgQ8l_02TCkjg90XUcRNN7dLkz-oQKGPqbJrgaBBBOLq8if6N3iJFPR2quRVYbrFX5LOcZnTRa45a-TcL-3Meb-wOXrspLlhED9dmaJY7acr4akOq2MCUv/s1600/Barry's+Hat.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Anyway, that's enough for now. You all probably need to digest that.<br />
<br />
But in the meantime, all my books are on "DOUBLE THE HALF-PRICE OFFER". Buy now, you shmucks.*<br />
<br />
BS<br />
<br />
*Secured loans are available. Your house may be at risk.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-64826764911666444552012-09-12T16:14:00.001-07:002012-09-12T16:15:04.195-07:009........So,<br />
<br />
Out of all the thousands of entries to my competition, I have one thing to say....<br />
<br />
CALL YOURSELVES MAGICIANS? YOU GUYS COULDN'T ORGANIZE A CRAP SHOOT IN A WHOREHOUSE FOR CRISSAKES!<br />
<br />
Lamentable. Laughable. Like you bozos have feet at the end of your wrists!<br />
<br />
Okay, here's what I'll do. I'll "upload", despite being a lousy computer person, my own performance of a Solayme classic. Then you'll see what real magic is all about.<br />
<br />
Then, after that, I'll finally spill the beans about me and Roy Walton.<br />
<br />
But it ain't pretty. No. It's one sordid story of love, betrayal, a terrible haircut, more love, another two betrayals, Telly Savalas and a tub of jello.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBkbi0Eapj0swl4XI_RWx7MFvtujfmxB59vCewiKxqgTRfwrIUNAAdbea9uedlV3BAaCIQJMSjtefmaWtk2ZdV7jAzv8uWnWHMVeKW3RmDH1BvUpDU-tuavNftsalcH50bI_bQq7F3OhFo/s1600/Telly+Savalas.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBkbi0Eapj0swl4XI_RWx7MFvtujfmxB59vCewiKxqgTRfwrIUNAAdbea9uedlV3BAaCIQJMSjtefmaWtk2ZdV7jAzv8uWnWHMVeKW3RmDH1BvUpDU-tuavNftsalcH50bI_bQq7F3OhFo/s320/Telly+Savalas.jpeg" width="218" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
No, it wasn't pretty. But it's a story that needs telling.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
BS</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-73273101710962240762012-09-06T19:01:00.000-07:002012-09-06T19:23:57.188-07:0010........Well Folks,<br />
<br />
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,<br />
It tolls for thee, Barry Solayme!"<br />
<br />
<i>Thus spoke the famous novelist, William Shakespeare.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHcTekJAL8uMbd7ZCSJ_Q6wOErc_WNclIiAit74EYNpinXRjqGuHixNsk-C8Thkuvw2ZWcc-XNM-h8xblg42_6Pqqg-GbOxiy5OG-BibSsXdn56T81rgX0glONgHSL3HhslKlwr5D0-7G6/s1600/William+Shakespeare+-+Novelist.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHcTekJAL8uMbd7ZCSJ_Q6wOErc_WNclIiAit74EYNpinXRjqGuHixNsk-C8Thkuvw2ZWcc-XNM-h8xblg42_6Pqqg-GbOxiy5OG-BibSsXdn56T81rgX0glONgHSL3HhslKlwr5D0-7G6/s1600/William+Shakespeare+-+Novelist.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
There's a new, FAKE kid in town, calling himself "<a href="http://larryhorayne.wordpress.com/">LARRY HORAYNE</a>". He's pretending to be Yours Truly, but really he is JUST SO MUCH JISM OFF MY THROBBING, LEAKING COCK ALREADY!!!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Alright, the kid seems to know about cards, some. FROM HAVING READ AND DIGESTED ALL MY FREAKIN' BOOKS, THAT IS! But the kid is full of psychobabble, and has probably been hitting the creme de menthe once too often.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
All the same, I feel it might be time to hang up my gloves. So I'm offering a countdown.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyggY_R3jU8">A final countdown.</a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I want your presentation of a Solayme Classic, on video, for my final countdown. This is number ten, so I await your offerings! I nominate Roland to go first, followed by <a href="http://larryhorayne.wordpress.com/">Larry Horayne</a>, (THAT LOW DOWN GOON)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I suggest you click <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyggY_R3jU8">this link</a> before recording your Barry Solayme Classic Routine.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
BS</div>
<i><br /></i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-36157589027776077882012-07-19T19:21:00.000-07:002012-07-19T19:29:02.619-07:00What's Good for the Goat is Gold for the Goose<br />
Well Folks,<br />
<br />
I've been besieged by hate. Assailed by ignorance. I've been wilfully misunderstood, and all in the name of transparency. Meanwhile, Tricky Dicky turns his "classic pass" eye to the internet denigration of a magic legend, and some English schmuck defecates all over my reputation?<br />
<br />
<br />
Again?<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnEl1A_ny9GWnPj8HtxEFujWZb3SRnBT9IfwtE-nDdhjVrbHXmq7_UoOKq9f6qE9p_xSeTz1USsRrl_a0CWxZlaLdtzO_aK77gkOk4Zp9tiK-TQMD5Ek3xmOjLs0bLOrG-5Z3BvjMiCfdB/s1600/Goat+1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnEl1A_ny9GWnPj8HtxEFujWZb3SRnBT9IfwtE-nDdhjVrbHXmq7_UoOKq9f6qE9p_xSeTz1USsRrl_a0CWxZlaLdtzO_aK77gkOk4Zp9tiK-TQMD5Ek3xmOjLs0bLOrG-5Z3BvjMiCfdB/s1600/Goat+1.jpeg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
The summit of this guy's output is a BLUE RIP-OFF, OF OFF A BLUE RIP-OFF ARTIST!<br />
<br />
Big friggin' whoop-di-doo-dah-day.<br />
<br />
Any excuse will do to mention that he works in the "adult industry". But a brief perusal of his work in magic will quickly demonstrate A LAMENTABLE LACK OF ANY PERCEIVABLE SKILL TO BACK UP YOUR PONY, FUCKING CUNTISH, ATTITUDE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXCELLED IN WHAT YOU ONLY DREAM OF DOING, WHILE YOU PAY FOR A GODDAM BLOW-JOB FROM SOME FLY-BLOWN BINT.<br />
<br />
The magic world does not rejoice in you baiting me. It weeps. For Big Dick Kaufman, and his many demons.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYsNibDXMPWZV0fov9jMxU3hyXBqc1OyIkTh9Z0oSHJ4z-jqVL7f3pTrNu5EryX9aQFVvXn1mvOqlPZCfG9b6YlJhkfyaHDR85kz9iwEujuCmwPCd1hbWp4DDs6sYyv-IUhOZWQR-ZM18G/s1600/Mr+Goat.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYsNibDXMPWZV0fov9jMxU3hyXBqc1OyIkTh9Z0oSHJ4z-jqVL7f3pTrNu5EryX9aQFVvXn1mvOqlPZCfG9b6YlJhkfyaHDR85kz9iwEujuCmwPCd1hbWp4DDs6sYyv-IUhOZWQR-ZM18G/s1600/Mr+Goat.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
BS</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-65377769222736240142012-06-30T16:22:00.000-07:002012-07-01T12:18:21.932-07:00Andrew "F***ing" Burnakid? That guy needs to be STOPPED!!Folks,<br />
<br />
First off, he's a freak! I wish I could say it in a better way, but if you cross magic with Canadian then..... THE MIND BOGGLES!<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzvjykUjprpgTyefpcwDz3UPsq_yfgZr8YCDhJNN9X2mXOwsSqQIr06MbNAUNyZjkZQ06OKkFqibNjK8AVi0jDWNgvaxbcIvxwoc0bqJP6mQ5r1j7-KkXLP0fJZA4ePkbpYMmLg2Y_mhdo/s1600/Burnakid.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzvjykUjprpgTyefpcwDz3UPsq_yfgZr8YCDhJNN9X2mXOwsSqQIr06MbNAUNyZjkZQ06OKkFqibNjK8AVi0jDWNgvaxbcIvxwoc0bqJP6mQ5r1j7-KkXLP0fJZA4ePkbpYMmLg2Y_mhdo/s1600/Burnakid.jpeg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Second off, the free citizens over at The Magic Cage have launched drone attacks on his ass. You all know the dangers of ignoring a fatwa?<br />
<br />
Third off, we don't like his journalism. Why so honest, Mr Barnaby Kidder? Have some respect!<br />
You asshole.<br />
<br />
Fourth, and final, off: HE USES GODDAM CURSE WORDS TO SELL HIS FREAKIN COIN DVD's!!! That ass munching nerdy wurbler won't have as much pep in his sails when I've finished the rigging. No.<br />
<br />
And that Al Schneider needs to watch his step too...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBF_1fGVqgMp0GJV7J0WlVDuoQpPuMWRIOHvxMTJ0A0SPVEbEVZb0HmHHtEU4cjT-dj0zaF0-bad96RmGz-b2rYW5SyDiaDZgT_lYUfvSeZf3oY2uayL-t7d4VOS4kFc80ZkRsNZl15BwL/s1600/Al+Schneider.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBF_1fGVqgMp0GJV7J0WlVDuoQpPuMWRIOHvxMTJ0A0SPVEbEVZb0HmHHtEU4cjT-dj0zaF0-bad96RmGz-b2rYW5SyDiaDZgT_lYUfvSeZf3oY2uayL-t7d4VOS4kFc80ZkRsNZl15BwL/s1600/Al+Schneider.jpeg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
BSUnknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-81313372307110860892012-05-26T17:36:00.000-07:002012-05-26T18:05:23.296-07:00Dear Barry...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCr5hhT_QGFWGLQt-2GuiUhtLfLtyWChCuqHe_k6AX_gwSxFYj4CsHLwfH1osDadKjIX8vlrmIaf0dA5nSvi1vAfLEzc9-F468oStMqoARg1NFW6UyssPoSadcXtmc1zW8unkXkMS1zZ2v/s1600/Dear+Barry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCr5hhT_QGFWGLQt-2GuiUhtLfLtyWChCuqHe_k6AX_gwSxFYj4CsHLwfH1osDadKjIX8vlrmIaf0dA5nSvi1vAfLEzc9-F468oStMqoARg1NFW6UyssPoSadcXtmc1zW8unkXkMS1zZ2v/s320/Dear+Barry.jpg" width="316" /></a></div>
<br />
Hey Folks,<br />
For a long time now, I've been praised for my listening skills. Many friends and family members have suggested that I have a talk show or agony column. I decided for the latter, as both my empathy and sympathy are equally legendary....<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>************************************</i></div>
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>Dear Barry,</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>I have always been a little person. Many have mocked me for this. I have always walked home from school with cuts and bruises, other kids hate me. If only people would understand me when I do my variation to "Out of This Universe", I would stop being bullied. But tell me, Barry, why are you so little? Is it genetic, or what?</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>E. Rection</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<b>Dear Mr Rection,</b><br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>A LITTLE PERSON, EH? YOU ASS FUCKING RUNT.</b><br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>BS</b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>************************************</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>Dear Barry,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>I think your reaction may have been a bit harsh just now. I am a big fan of yours, but will probably not post agian soon, due to your blunt attitude, bordering on rudeness.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>F. Laccid</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Dear Mr Laccid,</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>WELL, MR <i>LITTLE BAD SPELLER</i>, "F. LACCID" HAS LEFT THE BUILDING, "AGIAN", WHAT A SURPRISE!!!</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>BS</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>Dear Barry,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>(sorry, I meant "again")</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>F. Laccid</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Dear Mr Laccid,</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>I THOUGHT YOU HAD LEFT THE BUILDING???? </b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>BS</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>Dear Barry,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>I'm truly sorry for my behaviour in general. I'm not sleeping well. Only in the last year: my entire family was eaten by wolves, my house fell into a swamp, I bit my nephew's left ear off in a gardening accident, my grandmother gave birth to a tractor, and the local Spar went from Conservative to Green. Plus, my car developed piles.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>F. Laccid</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Dear Mr Laccid,</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>I'm sorry, for your loss. </b><i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>BUT AREN'T YOU THE STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT ANNOYED ME IN THE PAST? YES, I THINK YOU ARE, MR F. FRICKING LACCID. YOU PRICK, YOU TURD BEYOND HUMAN RECKONING. YOU ARE TRULY AN ASS BURGLAR, WITHOUT ANY DOUBT. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>BS</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<i><br /></i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-72420692126461599792012-05-17T16:28:00.001-07:002012-05-17T18:51:16.199-07:00The Time I Whipped Napoleon at Checkers<br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Hi Folks,</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Back in the early 1800's, I was hanging out in Paris with Henri Descremps. He wanted me to publish a collection of his occasional contributions to Armageddon, so I was visiting to give him a helping hand. It was going to be called "<i>Supplément à la Supplément à la Magie blanche dévoilée", </i>which is a pretty snappy title, I think you'll agree! However, it never came to fruition, for one reason or another. So I was kicking my heels in the city of romance, looking for amusement, when I received a surprising invitation....</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzOUqYPNLkNO-aoJp-J58kfz8cAysyvdyaET5ZuEhqX2xsuXFeKXIFaRIrguknyqtUUilUobSKjdlS8F-quRqch4-EZ3xPp6JDDPNLVaYuxVAkqoHL2M8Ka9yc25VTPb66lElj7DrH-pZI/s1600/invitation.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="130" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzOUqYPNLkNO-aoJp-J58kfz8cAysyvdyaET5ZuEhqX2xsuXFeKXIFaRIrguknyqtUUilUobSKjdlS8F-quRqch4-EZ3xPp6JDDPNLVaYuxVAkqoHL2M8Ka9yc25VTPb66lElj7DrH-pZI/s320/invitation.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p3">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p3">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Well, technically speaking the invitation was addressed to Henri, but as he was out having the axle mended on his barouche, I figured he wouldn't mind my taking a peek. Here's a translation of what it said,</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>"My Dear Descremps,</i></span><br />
<span class="s1"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i> It has come to Our attention that you are currently accommodating a curiosity from the Americas. It would be Our pleasure to receive him, in your company, at Versailles. It has been weeks since We have invaded any country of significance, so even the slimmest possibility of amusement must be seized upon. Make sure the American is house trained, and that he fully understands the etiquette due to Our royal personage.</i></span><br />
<span class="s1"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i> The Emperor Napoleon. </i></span><br />
<span class="s1"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>ps Josephine sends hugs and asks, 'Can you please bring the cups and balls?'</i></span><br />
<span class="s1"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>pps Could you also bring The Magic Coloring Book, as that is my absolute favorite."</i></span><br />
<span class="s1"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Well, I've been called many things by many people, but never a "curiosity"!!! I don't mind telling you that my goat was well and truly gander for the goose, and it was all Henri could do to calm me down on the way to our audience with The Emperor, a few days later.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"Listen Barry," he hissed, "The Emperor is a touchy fellow, he is easily offended. So please, if you value your life, you must treat him with solemnity and respect at all times."</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"Henri baby," I replied, "I've entertained more of the crowned heads in Europe than you've had warm croissants. I know how to behave around these guys, you just have to trust me on that."</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"But that's what worries me, Barry," he muttered. I was at the ready, with a suitably cutting riposte, but just then we arrived at the gates of Versailles. </span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXzpz3x0YC6AvCPmHKTH_4hfJtGzsJDq4d6qY9xEk1ISojXICX9d9LQzENVj9KC7twYSRHCiChdHrqSJGbofJv5Oi36pjVOuBfwX64e9xXZdzw6zBILdWWCvgJHO7Y4ng8XMe1VbD7Eep-/s1600/Versailles+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXzpz3x0YC6AvCPmHKTH_4hfJtGzsJDq4d6qY9xEk1ISojXICX9d9LQzENVj9KC7twYSRHCiChdHrqSJGbofJv5Oi36pjVOuBfwX64e9xXZdzw6zBILdWWCvgJHO7Y4ng8XMe1VbD7Eep-/s400/Versailles+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p3">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p3">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">It isn't often that I'm lost for words, but the sight of them took my breath away. The chateau was okay, and the gardens were kind of fancy (if you like that sort of thing), but the <i>gates</i> were spectacular. I'll never forget those gates until the day I die.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"Is it not magnificent, my dear Barry?" whispered Henri, his face pale with awe.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"It is, Henri, it is! What a pair of gates!!!!" I said, hoarse with amazement. Henri looked at me quizzically before replying.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"It is as The Emperor said. A curiosity. Bof!"</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Well now, any pleasant thoughts I had of French grandeur and majesty vanished with the repetition of that godforsaken word. But still, I maintained my composure, my voice hardly rising above a murmur as we disembarked from the carriage.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"YOU GODDAM PATRONISING FROGGY BASTARD," I demurred, "A FREAKING CURIOSITY AM I? YOU ASSHOLE!" Although it was a struggle, I moderated my language, being careful not to appear aggressive or threatening, "AND WE CAN SETTLE THIS ANY WAY YOU WANT, YOU CHEESE-BRAINED TURD WRANGLER! SWORDS, PISTOLS, OR THE GOOD OLD FASHIONED AMERICAN WAY!!!"</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"And what, pray tell, might that be?" asked Henri, reddening as he waxed his moustache.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"KNIVES AND BROKEN BOTTLES, YOU PREENING NANCY BOY!!!" I informed him, with considerable restraint, as I broke off the neck of a nearby bottle of Constantia and pulled out my color changing bowie knife.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"Have a care, Barry, have a care," spoke Henri, as he gestured over my shoulder.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE, YOU GARLIC RIDDEN MONKEY BOY, JUST WAIT TIL I...." but at that moment I realised Henri hadn't been bluffing. Two huge guards in bearskins grabbed hold of my arms, forcing me to the floor. Then a man walked in front of me, and taking hold of my chin, he forced my head up so that our eyes met.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7iXIBT_nLOOEAiCffstlgJN6dBkz8WIJ_IxLqfjlOVPiiqsDnTJCWUyy8dJelEqEW6OQf2ChDtH5ApR-EjqVm8Fp06afnTLQ4DE9mkTG0tQMoW73XVApvHqZsH1b2vx3hhBzJurEtU1Gu/s1600/napoleon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7iXIBT_nLOOEAiCffstlgJN6dBkz8WIJ_IxLqfjlOVPiiqsDnTJCWUyy8dJelEqEW6OQf2ChDtH5ApR-EjqVm8Fp06afnTLQ4DE9mkTG0tQMoW73XVApvHqZsH1b2vx3hhBzJurEtU1Gu/s320/napoleon.jpg" width="243" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p3">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"Ah so, this is the <i>curiosity</i>," I had to bite my tongue, folks, "He is very noisy, no? Well, maybe we will have some sport from him, at any rate. You have brought The Magic Coloring Book, Descremps? Excellent! Now, come along!"</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">And with that, I was dragged behind him, along seemingly endless corridors, until we arrived at a beautifully furnished room. A fire burned merrily in the grate, small tables displayed elegant clocks and delightful trinkets, collected from the four corners of the earth. The walls were hung with sumptuous tapestries and oil paintings, each of inestimable value. But the thing that really caught my eye was the brass coal scuttle. Never will I forget that coal scuttle, not until the day I die! </span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Four chairs were positioned round a table, and in one of them sat Josephine. She was instantly attracted to me, as powerful women often are. (I could tell this by the way she pointedly ignored me throughout my visit, always a sure sign that you've been <i>noticed</i>!)</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiBi62fRi4ME8PKNH4Oxxs-8pY5K-SN68wxxcLqoSFQq94Ft3wDH3u_pZtO7FtRyfhL9F7xzwBjQMp9sQAX6UpukoRkBlYyOdlwI4pBx6nOuvJLcT4ppZlYkk0O_jXzHAHbsKuD3iY8OiM/s1600/josephine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiBi62fRi4ME8PKNH4Oxxs-8pY5K-SN68wxxcLqoSFQq94Ft3wDH3u_pZtO7FtRyfhL9F7xzwBjQMp9sQAX6UpukoRkBlYyOdlwI4pBx6nOuvJLcT4ppZlYkk0O_jXzHAHbsKuD3iY8OiM/s400/josephine.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p1">
She <i>pretended</i> to be delighted over Henri's second rate Cups & Balls routine. His final loads consisted of three perfectly balanced gold filigree eggs, encrusted with precious jewels, each larger than the one before. I could only laugh, as I always insisted on fresh eggs for my own routine.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Next, Henri did The Magic Coloring Book for Napoleon. He had to do it a good few times, as every time he finished, Bonaparte clapped his hands and said, "Again, Again!!" jumping up and down on his little chicken feet.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Finally, he turned to me, and ignoring my borrowed deck, he brought out the craziest set of Checkers I ever did see.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4oX3tCJZSn8a22S4zR7wDaYJQKxzLlSDGk6wzTay31kTpHb9CZrqnMQYAu33dfrSzWBaChIvfXEvsJ2q0W_DTu86DISBJ7EWKCNzw4-FPS9QIU_2Okohd8ID9QA3tubviCNmfF68XvTy8/s1600/Checkers+set.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4oX3tCJZSn8a22S4zR7wDaYJQKxzLlSDGk6wzTay31kTpHb9CZrqnMQYAu33dfrSzWBaChIvfXEvsJ2q0W_DTu86DISBJ7EWKCNzw4-FPS9QIU_2Okohd8ID9QA3tubviCNmfF68XvTy8/s1600/Checkers+set.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The front row of each side looked similar to each other, and yet anything but a flat, circular disk. The back row were shaped variously: on horseback, ecclesiastically, architecturally and regally (of both genders!).</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"You have insulted my magician," said Boney, "And you have insulted my personage. In short, you have insulted France by your buffoonery!"</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
"Well, I BEG YOUR PARDON LORD SHORT STOP," said I. But as the guards drew their sabres, I considered that it was time to reach for a new level of diplomacy. "Lord <i>But A Short Stop To Ultimate Greatness</i>, was what I meant. That is, how may I help your most holy highness?" I quickly corrected myself.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br />
<br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">"I will tell you, Barry Solayme. You will please to play the," he gestured at the checkers board and made French noises, "at the, </span><span class="s2">how you say, <i>Les échecs</i>?"</span></div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Sure, sure, lays checkers," said I, "Let's play, Boney baby."</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And boy did I play!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The guy knew nothing about checkers! He couldn't even move the counters the right way!! He kept jumping 'em round, and going diagonal, then straight. The first few moves I made, he got so agitated he nearly had me killed by the bearskin boys. I tell ya, it was only when I'd doubled, and spiked my horsey counter through the princess counter, that he started to realise my preeminence at checkers.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Fou," he kept saying, "Fou, fou, fou!!!" Well, folks, that's French for 'phooey', because Boney just couldn't bear to be beat by the American CURIOSITY!! I sure turned the tables on that guy.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Tell me, Barry", said The Emperor, "Tell me what should I make as my next conquest? Which of the fat countries should I set my Corsican nose against?"</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Well," I replied, "Whatever you do, don't make it Russia, highness. The winters are bitter, and you'll struggle to maintain your grip within the vastness of a huge nation." He laughed, obviously agreeing with me, "And if you were to make that cardinal blunder, highness," Boney guffawed, "Your nation will fail at war for the next two hundred years."</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Boney blanched, then spluttered like a landed pike, "And you? You blundering, gauche imbecile! What will you be calling me? Eh, poutain?"</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As I flicked a crumb off my sleeve, I rejoined, "A cheese eating surrender monkey, your mightiness."</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">BS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIfcJ-r9THeLuv2rgbYfDMkWcJi2VRuwRgAJbZDtS9j1vlvL300Khs3Jm9m7ZxZpilckyy_eZu0cmlYsvmbYwVtBSmZOCz-6_Ay-5W3a5L1r6ftek-AXmgt9A05L5EgfPVS86Wpt94p3MP/s1600/Vacherin.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIfcJ-r9THeLuv2rgbYfDMkWcJi2VRuwRgAJbZDtS9j1vlvL300Khs3Jm9m7ZxZpilckyy_eZu0cmlYsvmbYwVtBSmZOCz-6_Ay-5W3a5L1r6ftek-AXmgt9A05L5EgfPVS86Wpt94p3MP/s400/Vacherin.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span> </div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-38759938870452517932012-05-05T17:58:00.001-07:002012-05-05T18:02:17.057-07:00REAL Fuckin' Secrets - 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZvb_PgAFm9f2lEtAAPd3ipyDWbqOaePS_CTEPm7AYpxFa8EunB9lLzw_9CUPpGda26WIgVm7_y-ij7lMvybK375BmFTVTE_dF7J9hmq5lf-KGvFoPris0Wx1jrXFySb85lGZU_jBhPw6Q/s1600/RFS+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZvb_PgAFm9f2lEtAAPd3ipyDWbqOaePS_CTEPm7AYpxFa8EunB9lLzw_9CUPpGda26WIgVm7_y-ij7lMvybK375BmFTVTE_dF7J9hmq5lf-KGvFoPris0Wx1jrXFySb85lGZU_jBhPw6Q/s1600/RFS+2.jpg" /></a></div>
Hi Folks,<br />
<br />
Yes, it's that time of the month again. I'm not talking about your wife kicking seven shades of shit out of you, just because the painters are in. No. I'm talking about "REAL Fuckin' Secrets - 2", people. We promised you organic, we promised you original, we promised you WORKERS!!!!<br />
<br />
Well, we just went and delivered, folks. All the way from one side of New York State to the other, magicians will be cracking open a truly workable tool for all situations, on any continent, in any country. Yes, that's right folks, this was meant to make all y'all feel included, even those folks who don't live in New York State, in the United States of America.<br />
<br />
Let's face it, who isn't a Yankees fan in this day and age? From Thailand to Timbuktu, folks go crazy for the Yankees. So, introducing this totally NORMAL New York Yankees candy cane, and performing MAGIC with it, will seem totally NORMAL. Wherever the hell you live. Bitch.<br />
<br />
As the performance involves a sweet ACAAN routine, we have given you both a red and a blue <i>special</i> Yankees candy cane, to allow you to use your deck of choice.<br />
<br />
It's organic, it's international, it comes out of a bull's asshole....<br />
<br />
It's REAL Fuckin' Secrets!!!! <br />
<br />
BSUnknownnoreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-10995223072755083352012-04-06T19:15:00.000-07:002012-04-06T19:15:50.087-07:00REAL Fuckin' Secrets<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Hi Folks,</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSJ6BO1sbugwlAQCmKOh5zNcShZxNns75C8UQxPVXUhMC1MQKZln0FM18BfeSLZAzEsdTkq_NaSyBx9w-cv5bxozOguWtK31ePpoEE1bNspO0ObUYSI0RCe1_WwY1rbyJNdziKh5l6cwVP/s1600/Real+Fuckin'+Secrets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSJ6BO1sbugwlAQCmKOh5zNcShZxNns75C8UQxPVXUhMC1MQKZln0FM18BfeSLZAzEsdTkq_NaSyBx9w-cv5bxozOguWtK31ePpoEE1bNspO0ObUYSI0RCe1_WwY1rbyJNdziKh5l6cwVP/s320/Real+Fuckin'+Secrets.jpg" width="264" /></a></div><br />
Here's your April surprise! It's a brand new double whammy from 'Real Fuckin' Secrets'.<br />
<br />
"Why a double whammy?" you ask. Well, I'll tell ya. Not only do you get to remove your thumb, you get to put it back on again! You lucky, lucky people.<br />
<br />
Anyone caught giving this prized information out to anyone, including their mother, will be castrated. With a rusty set of shears.<br />
<br />
I worked my ass off over this production, and if some pony-assed jerk-water is gonna squeal then I'm sending the boys in. You have my word.<br />
<br />
BSUnknownnoreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-78019427331510068412012-03-03T16:24:00.001-08:002012-03-03T16:26:54.190-08:00HAUNTED! - by Barry SolaymeGreetings....<br />
<br />
Tonight/Today I am being mysterious. Oh yes. I have a very special haunted deck routine that will revolutionize the genre....<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqvMhQmX9JwDgd3WqYF0N1ct7f_fKYu7io71oyK3MvAWoJ-BVrjO0E52si0vDwVifD7vq_XuTt3StfLhMMepYD2fNHQi6RuG5PikF7sztb85Rr2XZdMHdGrtpBVGyIy3FKCh4Je54bA_AG/s1600/Haunted.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqvMhQmX9JwDgd3WqYF0N1ct7f_fKYu7io71oyK3MvAWoJ-BVrjO0E52si0vDwVifD7vq_XuTt3StfLhMMepYD2fNHQi6RuG5PikF7sztb85Rr2XZdMHdGrtpBVGyIy3FKCh4Je54bA_AG/s1600/Haunted.jpeg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My deck cuts itself using a urinating girl. You don't get much more "Haunted" than that. Watch out for the pus and sweat, it's part of the inner workings.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">BS</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6672470462437211924.post-33227155576784315462012-02-27T18:41:00.003-08:002012-02-27T18:52:04.814-08:00Man Who Sleeps With Goats! (called James L Clark)I dreamed that I went to another place. It was full of teenagers and fruitcakes...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi27rtXS1IZ0e2hpyYwzsWz0B5YUA7jBw9MjtwuuuCALp4ElMQufddOo4DFyzCe3zYV4CpPqy-iVGO7mEePPk9L8buGMHurlJYXkeg2KuNtqGY23lvV6jvqtacX-KX5pOcxbfxZAehbehLd/s1600/Dream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi27rtXS1IZ0e2hpyYwzsWz0B5YUA7jBw9MjtwuuuCALp4ElMQufddOo4DFyzCe3zYV4CpPqy-iVGO7mEePPk9L8buGMHurlJYXkeg2KuNtqGY23lvV6jvqtacX-KX5pOcxbfxZAehbehLd/s320/Dream.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
There was a goat in front of me, it said, "My naaaame is Jaaaames L. Claaaaark. And I have a very little winkie."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUqmdA7UtbDXj55_MigW_RaXyPEt9SN7m2J33A88AvZUrzYmgXYLSyUFswkmV5mRrG9PF3_f4puUK1DHXhSs8BwfseTs68Cbe-BlTGW79fjYHXMTS5k8T8HzuHPBYy-VVHlKY47_r6zok/s1600/winkie+1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUqmdA7UtbDXj55_MigW_RaXyPEt9SN7m2J33A88AvZUrzYmgXYLSyUFswkmV5mRrG9PF3_f4puUK1DHXhSs8BwfseTs68Cbe-BlTGW79fjYHXMTS5k8T8HzuHPBYy-VVHlKY47_r6zok/s1600/winkie+1.jpeg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"I also design stupid sunglasses, which I have had to copy off cleverer people," said the goat, James L Clark.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGINoBrm5WUK3FaAsB6wwdfP__OawH8QU_r-ppk3RU3q6mceTV0-rZ3giDXD4qK1HMR2R6gsbHpq9ar6uOJDnnGvvdT-U07CasEtEuGhCg7a6VOSV8ZAVvMA_5FLBpRLrnxHZX8TTCv8RV/s1600/sunglasses.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGINoBrm5WUK3FaAsB6wwdfP__OawH8QU_r-ppk3RU3q6mceTV0-rZ3giDXD4qK1HMR2R6gsbHpq9ar6uOJDnnGvvdT-U07CasEtEuGhCg7a6VOSV8ZAVvMA_5FLBpRLrnxHZX8TTCv8RV/s1600/sunglasses.jpeg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">As he went off to fuck a badger.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhteYOiA8g3QiULpoZJztgBLYQ77yZnMLTNJCcidPWUJhe8pj6I4SZCRyxJ2hAiFZMu3tEVCQyG6GgONRvVrJWAt0PRa7-loGI7e7z0VOTakVTwPYc7s4tknm1j65bqHbLgd7BdXCLqcRa5/s1600/badger.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhteYOiA8g3QiULpoZJztgBLYQ77yZnMLTNJCcidPWUJhe8pj6I4SZCRyxJ2hAiFZMu3tEVCQyG6GgONRvVrJWAt0PRa7-loGI7e7z0VOTakVTwPYc7s4tknm1j65bqHbLgd7BdXCLqcRa5/s1600/badger.jpeg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"And I'm actually the reincarnation of Walter Mitty, sorry, erm, I mean Buddha!" said a jubilant James L. Clark, (recently voted cunt of the year, by the entire world.)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And then I woke up, folks, and realised that I had not been dreaming!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">BS</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0