I tried to broadcast one of my masterpieces on YouTube, and they pulled it over pornography complaints. Would ya believe it? You'd have thought circumcision wasn't commonplace on the subway. Jeez Belize.
Anyway, I said I'd tell you about Walton. Here goes...
I know, he has the eyes of a killer. And he is one, folks. Right to the bone.
The night we met was bitterly cold, and Checkpoint Charlie was lit up like a torch. Roy and I passed each other, scurrying from one shell hole to another. Discretion was our watchword, folks. Everything back then, during the Cold War, was hush hush. Even your mother didn't know, and she knows everything. We were literally teetering on the brink of death, when Roy dislodged a tiny pebble.
The noise seemed to fill the whole of Berlin. It rang in my ears like the tolling of the bells of Notre Dame. 'Roy,' I whispered in my head, 'Roy, my dear friend, we are in peril.'
I waited for what seemed like hours.
All was still.
"YOU GODDAM FUCKING SNOT-NOSED CUNT!!!" I whispered, quietly, "YOU HAD TO KICK THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU TWICE PROVED ASSHOLE!!!" I reasoned, almost silently, "YOU'VE SURE AS SHIT BROUGHT THE WHOLE FRIGGING HOUSE DOWN ON US NOW, YOU PRICK!!!" I reassured him, at no very great volume.
Then all of sudden, due entirely to Roy dislodging that pebble, the Stasi opened fire with their sub-machine guns. Roy was wounded in 7 places, which was entirely his own fault. I, on the other hand, was grievously deprived of my favorite rangers hat, which Roy has still, to this day, not replaced.
Anyway, that's enough for now. You all probably need to digest that.
But in the meantime, all my books are on "DOUBLE THE HALF-PRICE OFFER". Buy now, you shmucks.*
*Secured loans are available. Your house may be at risk.