"The Aristocrats" by Michael Crass

Hi Everyone,

So I went to a BIG TIME agent in Vancouver with my idea for a new magic show. He said, "Sorry kid, I don't do that kind of thing, it isn't really my bag.."

"Please," I said, "At least let me tell you about it?"

"So, it's a 'dark arts' show, and in the opening the whole theatre is pitch black. Next, the audience starts to hear strange, animal grunting noises. Then slowly, a luminescent, magic wand appears, with a white-gloved hand rubbing it vigorously, in a vertical motion.

Next, my dog Lulu enters, and appears to swallow the wand, but only momentarily. As he backs off, panting, the grunts reach a crescendo and a shower of luminous droplets of magic liquid land on the front row, enhanced by UV light. Next, my family enters singing a medley of Joni Mitchell songs, as the wand gradually, and magically, shrinks to almost nothing. I then appear at centre stage to take the applause!"

There was a long silence, then he said,

"That's truly amazing. What do you call it?"

"The Aristocrats" by Michael Crass.