Man Who Sleeps With Goats! (called James L Clark)

I dreamed that I went to another place. It was full of teenagers and fruitcakes...

There was a goat in front of me, it said, "My naaaame is Jaaaames L. Claaaaark. And I have a very little winkie."

"I also design stupid sunglasses, which I have had to copy off cleverer people," said the goat, James L Clark.

As he went off to fuck a badger.

"And I'm actually the reincarnation of Walter Mitty, sorry, erm, I mean Buddha!" said a jubilant James L. Clark, (recently voted cunt of the year, by the entire world.)

And then I woke up, folks, and realised that I had not been dreaming!

BS

The Solayme Internet Diaries 3 - **/**/2012

Dear Diary,

Maybe it's the Creme de Menthe talking, I don't know. But I feel sad.

It's a cruel world out there. Young kids are taking magic way too seriously; they see it as some kind of career. That's a canard, little chickens, magic is a joke. A little known, tight angled joke. If you aren't in the know, then I can't help you.

I'm reminded of my grand-nephew, Frankie. He was tempted to go off at the deep end with this magic stuff, until his father, Tommy "The Psycho" Trollo, beat the living fucking shit out of him.

It put him on the right path, but with fewer brain cells.

I dunno. Life doesn't get any easier. Not when you're several thousand years old, with a few millennia left to run.

My advice, after all this living and dying? Learn to take it easy.

That's right. Let the tension release from your body. Breathe out. That's right.

AND NOW KEEP IN YOUR MOTHER FUCKING HEAD THAT I'M THE FUCKING KING!! I'M BARRY SOLAYME, SO HELP ME GOD!!!

KEEP THAT THOUGHT IN YOUR FRICKING SKULL, YOU SHIT WIT, MY NAME IS BARRY SO-FUCKING-LAYME!!!

Aaaaaand...... you're back in the room.

BS

The Solayme Internet Diaries 2 - **/**/2012

Dear Diary,

I had that Andrew M. on the phone all night. Jeez, what a total shower.

He can't decide what he wants to be. As a journalist he blathers, as a magician he blithers. The guy should just knuckle down and go into business. It's clear to many, but opaque to the mighty boob.

Ben T. has the right idea, with all that Blue Bellend bullshit. It's a load of pussy whip, maybe, but Andrew M. would fit right in. If I have to read through one more rambling piece of crap at "Ye Olde Piece O' Shit Shoppe", then I think I'll fucking puke. That place sucks serious cock already.

* * * * *

Now Vlad69 won't stop crying. I told him "Ahimsa" but he says it's ruined. How can a freaking word be ruined, for chrissakes? That goddam pussy. Still, he buys my books, and according to himself he's some kind of Rosa Parks character. Who knew...

* * * * *

Finally, Damian J. has overstepped the mark in releasing MY effect, "DICKWANKERED" as "COCKWANKED", which is clearly an infringement of copyright. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE MR SUSSEX GOAT, AND I'LL HOUND YOU TO THE END OF THE FREAKING PLANET!!

And I've got the pirate on my side. 

And he says.... 

Ahaaaaaargh......

(and he's got some vicious balloon animals for your ass)

BS

The Solayme Internet Diaries 1 - **/**/2012

Dear Diary,

David P. has been on the phone all day. Funny, but I keep hearing clicks and whirrings whenever I use the phone. Note to see Dr Rachenbaumer.

Advised David P. for the final time to issue a qualified apology. That dumb schmuck, he gave far too much away for such a trivial issue.

Meanwhile, that cafe-assed motherfucker Steve has banned me. THAT TOTAL FUCK! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? THAT FUCKING ASS-FUCKING FUCK-THE-ROYAL ASS-FUCK!

I mean, if these guys were at all civilised and didn't resort to vicious words, then we could all get along.

Oh, yeah, and that total shit-wipe Richie Goddam Kaufman went and killed yet more evidence. That lousy fricking hood. Luckily he's too stupid to notice my subtle plan.

BS

MY REVENGE!

And so,

This is what got me banned from the Genii Forum, (the beauty's name was Steven Youell):

" Now, you little as*wipe, you choice piece of sh*t, you excuse for a godd*m life, I'll hound you into c*nting hell, you b*stard."

And so it went on, although perhaps a tad less polite. Let me tell you that the guy has NO TALENT WHATSOEVER AS AN ENTERTAINER!!!

No, he survives on bullshit. For instance, he invented a man called "Harry Lorayne",

WHICH SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE MY NAME, and starts posting as him on the Genii Forum. Next thing I know, he [Harry Lorayne] is enacting some horrific and grotesque parody of myself, which is TOTALLY UNNACCEPTABLE!!! Next he gets banned and I'm left with the miasma of unpleasantness.

Believe me, I would have been all over this earlier, only I had pressing matters to deal with regarding my protege, David Penn.

But more of that next time, folks!

BS