Way back in 1172, I was living in what is modern day China. I was working as a court magician, and everything was hunky-dory. They couldn't get enough of my act. I did the rice bowls with colored rice. I did the egg bag with a thousand year old bird's egg. My final loads were steaming dim sum, that when cut open, revealed a thousand honey ants, which crawled into the hot oil at my command. These were then consumed by the cognoscenti of the imperial court, and my fame grew both steadily and lucratively for nearly forty years.
By that time, I had recently married my 173rd wife, whose name translated as "Radiant Peach Blossom With Hands Like Dextrous Spiders". Imagine my shock and disgust, when Mr Temujin, (you folks probably know him as Genghis Khan), came riding into town.
Well, the first thing he did was to cast around for a concubine. Of course, he asked in all the best places, and in 'The Joyful House of Recalcitrant Nuns', he very nearly made his choice. But just as he had lashed "Gorgeous Moon With The Two Perfect Pancakes" to his horse, a sudden shout came from the perimeter fence.
The future map of Western Europe and America hinged on what happened next, by the way.
Behold! A strange and muffled figure appeared at the picket line, begging for an audience with the Grand Khan. Nobody knew his name. Nobody saw his face. Nobody, except Mr Temujin, ever heard his voice. Nor did they hear the tinkle of gold ingots, as they were lavishly showered upon the sandy tent floor.
And as nobody identified this individual, I think it is safe to say that he was in no way shape or form Barry Solayme, nor Hang Pan Chien, as I was then known. To suggest such a thing would be both wrong and cruel. I am an old man, now, and I will not brook such insolence.
No, as my wife, "Radiant Peach Blossom With Hands Like Dextrous Spiders", was led away that evening, to join the great harem of Genghis Khan, I wept bitter tears.
Those tears increased considerably as his most majestic Khan, Mr Temujin, forcibly wedded me to his half-cousin, whose name translated as "Wall Eyed Calf Who Enjoys Mime Acts". They were tears of gratefulness, you understand. For as we were sent into exile, to the frozen plateau of Tibet, I learned her second name: "Minx Who Sucks Marrow From The Stubbornest Bone".
She was my second favorite wife.
(The wall eye only showed when she took the glass one out. God, that was a gift in so many ways.)