Saturday, 2 March 2013

Who Runs "Real Secrets"? What are you? A moron?

God you people are dumb.

"We don't know who is behind Real Secrets!"

"The problem is we don't know who's in charge!"

"It's some of the top names in magic, and this is their worker material!"

Oh yeah? And my name's Shelley Winters. Boo-hoo-fuckin'-hoo.

Well you're all half-right about one thing: it's not just some of the "top names", it's THE FRIGGING TOP NAME, AND THAT NAME IS BARRY SOLAYME.

And now I got Ritchie Kaufman wanting me to pay for lawyers; Mike Weber says that unless I give him another marketing opportunity, he's gonna frigging walk, that mincing asshole. Half the goddam Internet has gone up in flames, and nobody is giving ME, the GENIUS who started the whole thing, any credit whatsoever! You dick shits.

I paid that weasel, Tom Stone, to back Real Secrets on 'Magic Bunny', and he goes and tells the fucking truth? That CUNT! Fortunately for me, they seem to be too stupid to realize it and ended by insulting him. My lucky day. That goddam Dane is regretting the day he stole my "Benson Flamer" routine. Oh yeah, don't you worry about Tom Stone, he'll get what's coming to him alright.

And Michael Jay? That man should be locked up, along with Ian Kendall, even though he's a subscriber. Those guys get right up my ass.

But here's the point, people, and here's why I'm going public.


I know what you people are doing and you think you're real clever, don't you? Yeah, sure, taking shots at me and my Miniature Dachshund, 'Sandy'. I know your game and I think it's pathetic. You want to use film references to insult me and my Miniature Dachshund? Go right ahead, because you are JUST SICK!!!

Sure, take all the cheap shots you want, talk about the "rules of fight club", talk about "we do not talk about fight club". Go ahead, take your best shot. I know your game. But here's where you screwed up, buddy boys, BECAUSE SANDY, MY MINIATURE DACHSHUND, CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR PATHETIC TAUNTS. SO SCREW YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES, BECAUSE I DON'T NEED ANY REAL SECRETS MEMBERS ANYWAY. I'M RICH ENOUGH ALREADY!

And you, Ritchie Kaufman, I finally get to tell you that your Pass sucks. It's always sucked, and you suck with it. I liked you better when you still wet your pants and hadn't read about Napoleon before crying yourself to sleep.

As for you, Weber, your commitment has been lacking. Sorely lacking. I know where the bodies are buried, Mikey. I know your sources. You need to come see me, and make sure you bring your fucking wallet. The one with money in it, this time.

You assholes have fucked this whole idea up, because you're a bunch of no-good, lazy, masturbatory circle-jerkers. I gave you the Holy Grail of usury, and you turned it to shit in 12 months.


You are all dismissed.

Kiss my ring on the way out. Chicken shit motherfuckers.



  1. I wanted to nail Shelly Winters when I was a kid. "IT" was bigger than both of us.

    Twist This

  2. Oh yeah?

    Well, I nailed her in 1953, and she was stiff as a board. Both times.

    If Barry Solayme can't make a gal squirm then his name isn't Barry Solayme.

    Twist THAT, motherfucker.


  3. I'm pleased to know that I'm getting up someone's ass, at least.

    1. The only person who never got up my ass was Frank Sinatra, and God knows he tried....